How to Overcome Your Negativity Bias So You Can Focus on Your Child’s Strengths
It’s not always easy for us parents to let go of our negativity bias when raising our children. However, shifting your attention to your child’s strengths can make a huge difference.
My son, Nick, is an 18-year-old teenager who loves to play “Fortnite”. But if you asked me, I’d say he’s enjoying it a bit too much.
You see, when I see Nick playing the game over and over again, I feel frustrated with the situation, and I react in ways that are not helpful: nagging and snapping.
Not surprisingly, nagging and snapping don’t work. Have you experienced this, too?
Nick’s behaviour seems to confirm the result of a research paper of mine concerning adolescents’ use of social media and how it affects their social connectedness in adolescents.
What I discovered in my study is that adolescents can experience both positive and negative effects from social media use.
On one hand, social media platforms can create a sense of community among users. But on the other hand, they can also be a source of alienation and a disconnection from home life
Now, Fortnite might be an online game but it also has a social aspect to it - the game allows players to mingle with their fellow players. That’s why we can consider it as a form of social media in a way and see that there are upsides to this game, especially during the pandemic when our kids can’t connect as much in person.
Still, as a mother, I was naturally fearing the potential pitfalls for Nick with his excessive screen time.
But this also meant that I was likely letting my own negativity bias influence the way I treated my son. This particular bias is a survival mechanism that makes us notice anything that’s going wrong in our environment faster than those that are going well.
While I focused on the problem, which was Nick spending too much time gaming, it meant that I was overlooking the potential positives of this form of social interaction.
My fear and negative bias may have been the reason why I could not conduct strength-based parenting.
Letting go of negative bias may not be easy, especially considering the way our brains were hardwired. However, there are ways that we, as parents, can overcome our negativity bias and focus on our child’s strengths in its stead.
And strength-based parenting can play a key role here.
Why Does Strength-Based Parenting Work?
When talking about strength-based parenting, it’s essential to define what are considered strengths. And we psychologists split them into two broad categories:
Talents – performance-based strengths where a child shows special abilities in music, sports, art, IT, etc.
Character – personality-based internal strengths such as curiosity, bravery, humour, kindness, etc.
In my opinion, our society focuses too much on children’s talents at the expense of their character. But the truth is that the two categories are inseparable. You may even find it impossible to find anyone who maximised their talents without also integrating their character in the process. Imagine Albert Einstein without curiosity, The Rolling Stones without creativity, Malala without courage.
In another one of my studies, I discovered that when our children get to know their strengths and learn how to use them, with their parents’ help, they can get a raft of positive outcomes. The increased flow of positive emotions, persistence, confidence, and life satisfaction can be some of them. My research has also found that strength-based parenting helps children cope with school-related deadlines, homework, friendship issues, and stress.
We, parents, can also benefit from this approach.
Another study of mine published in the International Journal of Applied Positive Psychology involved two groups of parents, one who took my three week strength-based course and another who didn’t. Compelling results were found. The former group reported more confidence in their parenting skills and more positive feelings towards their children after completing the course. The other group of parents reported no such changes.
The main focus of strength-based parenting is on the things that are going right with our children. The goal is to help our children make the most of their strengths (talents and character) to teach them how to use these strengths during the good times but also during the tough times. It seems counterintuitive but we can show our kids how to use their strengths to address their weaknesses.
My research, as well as that of other psychologists, show that strength-based parenting can be beneficial to both children and parents alike. And this can help you overcome your negativity bias when dealing with your children’s problematic behaviour.
Three Tips to Help You Focus on Your Child’s Strengths
Although challenging, overcoming negativity bias can be done. And these three easy tips can help you make the shift from exhibiting negativity bias to strength-based parenting:
Tip #1. Practice Strength Spotting
Every time you notice a particular strength in your child, I strongly suggest that you comment on it.
For example, you can say, “That was a great use of judgment to finish your homework before watching TV.” Or, “I love how you showed forgiveness to your sister just now.”
I suggest you use this approach on every appropriate occasion. In doing so, it may be just a matter of time before your child can internalise their strengths.
This, in turn, can have positive effects on their self-talk in future challenging situations. Instead of saying “I’m dumb” or “I don’t understand this, I never will”, they may instead choose to say, “I’m persistent, I’ll stick to this until I get it done.”
Tip #2. Keep a Strengths Diary
You can have a dedicated diary where you can jot down three strengths displayed by your kids each day. And I suggest you do this for two weeks.
If it’s more convenient, you can even do it on your phone. That way, you can text your child (if they are allowed to have a phone) the following day to let them know which strengths they showed the day before.
But if you prefer a physical diary, after two weeks of recording, you can compose a letter to your child and tell them about all the strengths that they showed over that period.
Tip #3. Map the Strengths
Mapping the strengths of each family member in a visible place can be a fun family game. To do this, you can write down your child’s name followed by their strength, and then create opportunities for them to use these strengths around the house. For example, you might have your children use their enthusiastic nature to welcome a guest.
And if you have several children at home, they may even find it interesting to play to their siblings’ strengths in their day-to-day life. Let’s say you have a child with a competitive streak who’s great at sports but not so much at discipline. You can channel that competitive spirit into a “homework race” - they can score a win if they finish their homework earlier.
You Can Make the Big Shift Today
As parents, we may become overly protective of our children when we perceive that their behaviour may lead them to danger. And our first reaction may likely be that of frustration, or even anger.
Using the strength-based approach helped me move past my negativity bias and see the strengths Nick was using in Fortnite, such as self-regulation, problem-solving, grit, humour, and loyalty. And these strengths can also serve him in life.
This realisation helped me find a more constructive way to negotiate less screen time with him which, in turn, helped with the bigger conversation about screen time for Nick and my daughter Emily. A conversation most parents are having a lot during this pandemic.
By shifting to strength-based parenting, you can significantly enhance your child’s confidence levels and their ability to cope with stressful situations. You can also feel more confident as a parent.
The three tips above can help you make a start on that shift today.
Additionally, I’d like to invite you to try our Parenting Quiz. See for yourself how strength-based you are as a parent and how you can improve.